Here and now
by holycitygirl
Summary: 2 of 2. Clark's feelings
1. Savior

Title: Here me now 

Disclaimer:  No own, no rights, please don't think me a thief – only borrowing.

Summary: Lex's feelings about Clark.

A/N: 2nd Smallville fic.  Tell me if you like.  Silently think I suck.  This is going to be a two parter –next up – Clark's feelings about Lex.  

Song Credit:  Matchbox 20, More than you think you are –Downfall.
    
    _I wonder how you sleep_
    
    _I wonder what you think of me_
    
    _If I could go back_
    
    _Would you have ever been with me?_
    
    _I want you to be uneased_
    
    _I want you to remember_
    
    _I want you to believe in me_
    
    _I want you on my side_
    
    _Come on and lay it down_
    
    _I've always been with you_
    
    _Here and now_
    
    _Give all that's within you_
    
    _Be my savior_
    
    _And I'll be your downfall_

Life, I find, can often be divided into different categories.  It can be charted, labeled by key events, important discoveries, defining figures.  My life is no different.  It can be divided into two categories, by one key event, one important discovery and one defining figure –Clark Kent.  My life pre-Clark Kent (which would be the first category) was filled with empty ambition.  I was on the fast track to destruction.  Either I was going to become my father or kill myself.  (One arguably no better than the other.)  I would have if not for Clark.  But when Clark entered my life dramatically like some misguided angel, everything changed.  It may seem unlikely but the first person to ever look at me was Clark Kent.  Certainly the only one to ever look and like what he saw.  To my father I was merely a pawn.  A lump of clay to mold into his image like a god would.  To others I was either a freak or a paycheck.  The only one who ever loved me was my mother.  And well- those memories hurt more than they help sometimes.  Because really who wants to think about something they can never get back.  Unconditional love can only be offered by few in this world.  I had mine. She is gone.  

So when Clark saved me –looked at me- he became to me this presence.  Not just a friend, not merely an object of affection, not _only_ an obsession.  He was more to me.  Better.  And enough.  I look at him sometimes and I know I love him.  Purely.  That nothing will ever stop that.  Nothing he could say (or not say), nothing I could do.  I love Clark Kent.  And even though I know I will always love him or maybe because I know that I worry that I'll lose him somehow.  To Lana, to his parents that don't trust me, to my own greed.  I worry that I will never have him for the same reasons.  Because let's face it –he is Clark Kent.  He's tall, dark, handsome.  He's studious, strong, kind.  He wants to play football, and study journalism and finish his chores.  He wants the girl next door and one day he will have the white picket fence.  _I do no fit in his life_.  He _does not_ want me.  

I look at her sometimes and I can't help but hate her.  He thinks her perfect with her long hair and her pert breasts.  Her eager eyes and her innocent heart.  The anti-me.  We share the same initials and nothing else.  She has no dark side.  No absolute power will ever corrupt her.  Life may dull her shine but he will never notice.  She is his obsession.  And I cannot compete with that.  I do not try.  Because even though she possesses a large part of him –she does not have it all.  No for some strange reason he saw fit to give me a piece as well. He may never love me the way I love him but we do have a connection.  And I would not lose it for the world.  So I hide my Lana hatred.  I try hard to give him no reason to take my piece away.  I wish I knew what he likes about me.  So I could cultivate that part.  Make it bigger –stronger- all I am.  Sometimes I say something or do something and he will smile at me.  1000 watt Clark smile and I will try to remember what I did, what I said, how I said it.  But I never can.  I have to simply _continue_ and hope that he _continues_ to enjoy my company.  He seems too.  Even when we do nothing –he seems to enjoy himself.  I please him.  And I may not know why but I am glad just the same.    

So as I continue to live this second part of my life –post-Clark- I try to enjoy all the differences that one key figure can bring.  He is my savior.  Pardon me if your religion thinks that blasphemous.  The word is defined simply as _one who saves, preserves, or delivers from destruction or danger.  _No better word can describe him.  I will always hope that I can one day return the favor.  But I fear I won't.  I know nothing of nobility, despite my heritage.  I wouldn't know how to even begin to be the good guy.  So I will play my role in this life, in his.  And hope that through me he can find acceptance, peace, a place to rest from obligation.  He is my hero but I do not expect him to be perfect the way they do.  Chloe, Pete, _Lana_ – his parents, they all expect him to maintain this persona he has created.  I do not care.  And because of that they –his parents openly, his friends secretly – disapprove of our relationship.  They do not understand it.  They fear it.  Because they think I could be his downfall.   


	2. Downfall

Title:  Hear me now

Disclaimer:  Still borrowing.

Summary:  Clark's feelings about Lex.

A/N:  Please tell me what you think.  

Song credit:  Matchbox 20/More than you think you are/Downfall
    
    _Here we go again_
    
    _Ashamed of bein' broken in_
    
    _We're gettin' off track_
    
    _I wanna get you back again_
    
    _I want you to trouble me_
    
    _I wanted you to linger_
    
    _I want you to agree with me_
    
    _I want so much so bad_
    
    _Come on and lay it down_
    
    _I've always been with you_
    
    _Here and now_
    
    _Give all that's within you_
    
    _Be my savior_
    
    _And I'll be your downfall_

Life, I've been told, is a mystery.  It cannot be explained, planned, shaped to fit your every need.  In my case I guess that is true.  My past is full of questions, my existence, and my powers –the biggest riddle of them all.  A riddle I must keep secret, so therefore cannot seek advice or help.  No answer key for me.  I must be alone, hide what I do not even know.  I have to lie.  I've always lied.  Growing up it was what I did.  Get up, eat breakfast, brush teeth, go to school, lie to your friends, go home, go to bed –and then start all over.  Before I was 16 I had lied to Pete, Chloe, hell even Lana, more times than I could count.  It bothered me but at the same time it didn't.  Because I think it was as if I _knew_ they _didn't_ really want to know.  But not him.  Yeah sometimes I think the biggest mystery is Lex Luther.  

When I met Lex Luther, breathing life back in the body I would grow to depend on, I felt an instant connection.  It broke out, shattering all reason, and consumed me.  He was this presence.  A friend I didn't want to lie to, a confidant I couldn't utilize, a teacher.  And more.  Something I couldn't define.  Something I wasn't ready to see.  But something I cherished from the beginning.  Sometimes it kills me to lie to him.  Sometimes I look at him and he is looking at me and I _know_ he _wants_ to know.  I know he needs to and can handle it and will not turn against me.  But I don't.  I worry that I will lose him because of that.  Because he is Lex Luther.  He doesn't trust easily.  He is powerful, smart, beautiful.  He is generous, cunning, and brave.  He has his company and his family issues and is so much bigger than this little town.  One day he will leave me here.  And I will no longer be a part of his life.  Because he will not want me to be.  

His father has hurt him.  I hate him for it.  But I know that I could hurt him as well.  That -if I admit what I see in his eyes sometimes- I am already hurting him.  If he loves me and I am lying to him I am no different from his father.  He wanted and in my case still wants to trust us.  And we in our fear and sense of duty are making that impossible.  I try to focus on the fun we have together.  The moments where he makes me laugh with his witty remarks or sarcastic pomposity.  I love him because of those moments.  They are when he makes me believe that he could forgive me anything.  Because he can be so comfortable with me, in a way he never is with anyone else.  He blooms when he is at ease.  And he seems to crave that release from all he has to be in the boardroom.  I plan to keep helping.

Yeah life is a mystery all right.  I can't explain it or myself.  But I can't explain Lex either, why he cares for me, and he isn't an alien.  My father says he will be my downfall.  That Lex will cause me _a sudden loss of happiness_.  That my innocent trust in him will only cause me pain.  He doesn't understand that I need that.  Not pain, not fear, I read a little farther than my father in the dictionary.  I define downfall as _a sudden decline in strength or number or importance.  _I need a place where I can just be me.  I can't be perfect –super- all the time and for everybody.  Lex understands that.  He does not ask me for more than I will freely give.  And because of that I don't mind being his savior.  


End file.
